It’s quite possible that I am addicted to change. I say this after reflecting on how I handle the many changes I’ve had early on in my young adult life. I don’t believe this constant change of scenery is intentional, and I don’t always think it is for the change itself. I like doing new things, but more than an addiction to change, it’s addiction to nostalgia. I crave that bittersweet longing for something I once had. The memories flood like a rush of endorphins after a runner completes a race. (Everyone roll your eyes at that last sentence. I thought the imagery was pretty accurate, but we all know I’ve only run once, in a three-legged race and that ended in a kicked shin and tears. Not a rush of exercise induced endorphins.) But I’m sticking with it because although it may burn exactly none calories, that nostalgic rush gives me an energy I am constantly seeking. Because I so enjoy that rush I feel that, at times, I even choose to give up things that define me. And that is why, after years of accepting my skin and identifying my personality with my pale complexion, I decided to get a tan. That’s right! I, Pale as Hail, went to a tanning salon.
I couldn’t do the tanning bed because my skin really was too pale to handle UV anything, let alone RAYS. And also because tanning beds are naked people cookers, and I’m not much for sharing a claustrophobic light bed shaped like a coffin. Just me. So I went the spray tan route. I got really lucky because when they saw me in my skivvies they offered to let me do two sessions in a row. They had never seen someone so pasty. I think they would have preferred I schedule eight. Getting a spray tan feels like being hosed down by toxic mud. But I mean, pretty toxic mud. So I took them up on their offer and went in a second time. I am so thrilled to rid myself of my lily white skin and show off my new and improved bronze tone! I'm now officially Tan As Hail!
I call it my “glow tone”
Wait…
I don’t think I like this…
Tan As Hail is not catchy and/or cute and/or clever...
It looks like I got in a fight with an orange sharpie…
Which means I look like Donald Trump...
Oh my gosh, here comes the nostalgia….
All the wonderful pasty memories are flooding back…
Nostalgia nation...
Where is my pale skin?!
…It’s right here. Because I April Fooled you all. I did not tan. I do not tan. I’m still Pale As Hail.
